No stitches, just platelets and will power
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
