Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
