if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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