I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
