I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize