Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
