You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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