She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize