nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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