He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize