The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
