My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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