I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
