He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
