dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
