tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
