RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
