So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize