Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
