It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
