he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
