Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
