It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
