girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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