Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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