If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
