please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize