if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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