at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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