So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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