I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
