it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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