Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
