remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
