Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
