I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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