i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
