Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
