the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You are the jesus of drinking
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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