I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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