What a fucking waste of an outfit
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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