remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
