How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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