Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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