apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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