Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
thus making me awesome and them whores
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
