Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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