i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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