Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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