Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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