I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
