This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
