organizing the empties. That sober.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize