I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
