My Higher Power is John Stamos
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
