I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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