Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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